It is so hard being in this situation all by yourself. It is so confusing. Why is it I find this situation hard to deal with? Yes, I can simply solve harder situation of choosing like who to kill first, or who to spare but, why is this situation so hard. It seems simple but yet, complicated. One simple mistake you made, you cannot change it anymore. No more turning back once you have chose the one.
Being asked by your own blood-related people called your family to choose? To choose between them and Him? It is like being asked to choose between your life and others life. I have to choose one of them to end this dilemma but who? I you chose the other, the other one will simply vanish, gone forever. I cant understand why, of all the people in the world, why me? Why is it me that has to suffer? Thinking of who to choose can make you confuse or worse, insane! I dont want to be insane, I just want to be who I am right now, except not stuck in this freakin situation. I have so many questions that hasnt been answer but one question is still stuck in my mind. Why are they treating me this way? I taught my family loved me but why are they giving me so much pain? I cant take it no more!
As I reminisce the past, I remembered the day when my mother turned, not only me but also Hisoka, down. It is so clear to me up to now on how she treated Hisoka. How she judged Hisoka. How she humiliate Hisoka.
* * * * * *
"Illumi, Im so glad you came back! So, how are you doing? Oh you have grown so much! Is it very long since I saw you? Are you tired, did you." "mom" Illumi blushed but he hid it. He felt quite embarrassed on how his mother treated him. "hmmm mom, I brought home my friend., I would like you to meet him, hes nice and friendly and. Well, his name is Hisoka" and Hisoka stepped forward. "Good uhhhmmm morning? Madame Zoldick! Nice to meet you! So youre the one whos Illumi talking about." Kikyou just stared at Hisoka examining him and did not reply. "okay, Illumi, lets go in." And Illumi brought Hisoka to the couch. "Illumi, we have to talk right now!" Illumi followed his mother.
Karuto passed by Hisoka who is still staring at the contents of the big mansion and seems staring at the Zoldicks portrait. "Hi, you are supposed to be Illumis sister ne?" ""
Karuto gave Hisoka that cursing look and left.
"Illumi, stay away from that freaking clown. I cant believe you! Now I know what world is out there! I cannot believe you, of all the people who you can make friends, why him?" "but mother, Hisoka is nice, Once you get to know him! And He even helped me during the Hunter Exam! Now look at me, Im an official Hunter with and official hunters license" "Illumi, I dont have to know him! I already know him, I know that he is up to something and that is not good! What if he is just using you! That is possible! And I dont want you to be hurt Illumi!" "If you dont want me to be hurt, allow me to be friends with Hisoka! Accept him!" "For the last time Illumi, STAY AWAY from HIM! I dont want you hanging around with that clown. Look at you, you are a proud Zoldick and his not worthy to have a Zoldick like you as a company." "mother, Im sorry but, this is your first request that I wont grant! I have to decide by my own self and my decision is final. I wont leave Hisoka!"
* * * * * * * * * *
How hard it is to go against your mom! Does she really love me? She never scolded me that way before, in fact, she never scolded me in my entire life! Just because of her so-called "impression" that she started judging Hisoka. She doesnt have the right to Judge, she even dont know Hisoka. Yes, I know, she knows who Hisoka is but she dont know who is the real Hisoka, my real friend. She only know the outside Hisoka but the inside She never knew, she doesnt want to know! Why dont she give Hisoka another chance, to prove himself,, but on second taught, its better this way! I dont like to be scolded again and I dont like to put Hisoka down. Again.
I remember when we both left the mansion, I happen to gaze into his eyes. Others might not notice it but I do, I noticed Hisokas eyes. His eyes were full of sorrows. I know, even if he wont or doesnt show it to me, I can feel and sense that he is so much hurt. Maybe, he feels more pain than I do. No matter how much he jokes around while we are travelling, I can still see in his eyes the fixed emotion that is hidden deep inside him, Loneliness.
I cant believe by father. Once, I tried to introduce Hisoka to him hoping that he would welcome him warmly and accept him just like he accepted Gon as Killuas friend but., my hopes faded as my father insulted Hisoka, infront of me and worse, in front of him. Calling him "that clown" or "freak". He has a name and I must say that his name is beautiful. He isnt just "that clown" or "that freak", He is my friend, Hisoka. It hurts so much to me when he calls him that. And I know, Hisoka feels hurt twice as I do. I remember running away while my fathers still talking. It hurts so much to go against your father, to disrespect him by running away while hes talking but what shall I do? The longer we stay, the more pain we gain from his words. Being scolded by the "man of the house", your own father, I feel very little and humiliated and. Not worthy to be his son.
I know its not fair. Why did he accepted Gon as Killuas friend, why did he refused Hisoka? Is it because of the so-called "first impressions" I cant believe it! Just that stupid impression, that is so lame! Its not that I envy Killua for being the favorite of all but this has gotten far. That impressions. That damn impressions should not get in the way.
Sometimes when we travel or tour around, I can see people staring at Hisoka with that look on their face. Hey, Hisoka didnt do anything to them, why are they like cursing him! This store in particular, I was suppose to buy something there but he didnt let me take a look at his store, just because he saw Hisoka next to me. I notice Hisokas eyes lonely and hurt eyes, again. He moved closer to me and whispered "I think I should just wait you over there!" and he left. How angry I am at the store owner because after Hisoka left, He welcomed me and treated me like a guest. Why are they like that to Hisoka? Why?
I can now see how hurt Hisoka is, being lonely, spending his life all by himself, facing his problems all by himself. I feel sorry for him. I wish I can do something for him to feel that he is important to me. I know, theres his group mates, geneiryodan but, ryodan is no good for Hisoka and I know it. They are only a group of thieves who doesnt care about each other. What if they discover Hisokas identity? That he isnt a ryodan? What will happen to him. I dont expect them to treat Hisoka as they do now. I dont expect them to pay that much attention to Hisoka. Well, if I were the leader, I wont care if one of my members disappear. But, treating Hisoka that way is not good and definitely not right!
I often see him sitting all by himself staring to nowhere. I wonder what hes thinking. I felt the courage to ask him this question when I felt that he entrusted me his trust and friendship. I approached him and.
* ***** *
"are you always alone? Its pretty lonely being all by yourself ne?" "Why do you ask? Cant believe your that caring" he said jokingly. "Hey, didnt I asked you? So I expect an answer!" "Okay, okay, dont be such a hard-head Illumi-san!" and his face turned into serious from that full of laughter face. "to tell you the truth, I dont know if its me or them" "what do you mean by that?" But in Illumis surprise, Hisoka was gone.
* * * *
Now I know what he meant by that. Playing a role like him, its hard. He is like wearing a mask, a mask that can hide his true emotions. We often see him joking around but I know hes searching for something to fill him up but I dont know what was it. But, after hearing those words and understanding them, I now see that Hisoka is a lost soul craving for love and care that was not given to him by people around him. Even I was not sure if he feels the care and love I am giving him but I alone is not enough. But, who would help me, help him? I now decide that no matter what happens, even if Im the only one, Ill try to help Hisoka with all my ability!
He once told me that I shouldnt go against my mother, he told me that having a mother is like being the luckiest person in the world. I just laughed at his seriousness back then but, I realized what he meant by that. I realized that he is longing for a mothers love and care that he havent felt for years. I never saw his mother and he said that he couldnt remember who his mother was. He just knows that his mother cared for him when he was little but vanish when he was also little.
He longs for friendship and company and care and love but it seems that people are preventing him of having one. No one understands him nor cares for him. Why? Is it because of that damn "impressions" again? They say he is a cold-blooded, up to no good, mean killer and a ryodan. They even told him that he doesnt have a heart! I dont believe any of that! They are just good at judgement! They dont give him a chance to prove who he is. I know he is fun to be with, trust-worthy, caring and a loving person. In fact, you can learn a lot from him. Im sorry to say but my family is one of these mean creatures to Hisoka.
On second taught, I dont just feel sorry for Hisoka but, I also feel proud of him. Why? Its because after all those mean looks people gave him, after all the insults and humiliation the other gave him, here he is, still standing, still living his life and still joking around. I find him amusing when he just jokes around to forget his hidden emotions. I look up to him for being so brave to fight against his emotions that he hid for a long time.
Now is the time to make my decision. My family who loved and cared for me for many years or Hisoka who needs me. I should only choose one. I never wanted to be put in this situation. I wanted to choose them both but I cant. I love my family and theres no doubt about that but. What about Hisoka. He is lost and he needs me. He may not say it but I know he needs me. He desperately do. He trust me and I dont intend to brake this special trust he bestowed upon me. It seems we have this special connection that only the two of us shares. Im not willing to break this special binding. I must admit, I need him too, I desperately need him more than anything.
Hisoka is my other half and now that I found him, after many years of search, Im not going to loose him again. Now that Im complete, Im willing to help him to gain what hes longing for. Ill do it with all my ability.
It is hard to say goodbye to my family but, this is the choice I made and Im willing to face the consequence. I will feel twice or maybe more than that if I loose him. Its hard for me but. Im sorry mother, father, I have to go.
so. I know, you didnt expect Illumi to act this way neither Hisoka. But, well, they are very secretive and mysterious. As Kero said, expect the Unexpected.
Isnt it sweet??? Illumi actually cares about Hisoka? poor Hisoka always alone, there in his little corner!